A couple weeks ago, my very best guy friend, John, got me to open up about my ED and how it only starts up when I get depressed. I couldn't believe I told him cause I'm so ashamed of this that I didn't want anyone to know about it ever. He had known for awhile that I was doing something unhealthy when I get upset, he just didn't know what, and he pried it out of me. He was so understanding about it though. He kept telling me that it's going to get easier now because any time I feel like this is going to take control of me, I can come to him. He also told me that this doesn't change what he thinks of me at all, which before I told him, I had said that I'm afraid of what he would think of me after I told him this. He also swore to me that he would keep this between us and no one else would have to know. I swear it was probably one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me in my life. I really don't deserve a friend like him. He's too good to me.
Well ironically a few days later I was triggered because one of my other best friends, Alex, had betrayed me, and we stopped being friends. And the thing that killed me the most about the betrayal was that he just didn't care that he had hurt me. When I confronted him about it, all he said was "okay." and walked away. I wanted to cry. So that night I ate but I felt so shitty and ended up purging. This kind of triggered for the next few days, along with stress of finals and just everything seemed to be going wrong that week.
I could have gone to John and talked to him about it, but I hate the idea of relying on someone else. I hate opening up to other people. Plus I refuse to be a burden on anyone, ever, and he has been so extremely busy lately that I don't want him to have to worry about me because I know he would. I'm a big girl and I can deal with myself. I'd rather be screaming and hurting on the inside than to ever be a burden on anyone else. Not only that, how am I supposed to talk to him about that. Just kind of go up to him and be like "Yeah I've started purging." And then what is he supposed to do?
I kind of was able to push away the ED after finals and I stopped worrying about my shitty ex best friend that betrayed me. I was doing good. I still kept getting urges but I've done self-recovery many times and I'm getting better at pushing away the urges every time. So a couple weeks pass. One night some of my friends end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off. I texted John about it and just kind of ranted about it a little bit. He told me how I need to start standing up for myself to my friends and going on. Eventually he texts me and says
"Tell me you're not hurting Caitlin. Tell me honest to God you're not hurting"
"I'm not hurting."
"That's a lie"
"I was a couple weeks ago but I'm not now."
"You're not now, but you were, and you will be soon. It's a cycle Caitlin."
"I don't know John"
"I do. I have the advantage of not being the one whose going through it, so I have an emotionless perspective."
"I really just don't fucking want to talk about this."
"That's fine for now Caitlin,but you won't be able to hide from reality forever."
I know he's just trying to help, but it kind of pissed me off a bit. He really doesn't have the advantage over it at all. I know more than anyone what triggers me and when it's going to happen. Of course I know it's a cycle, I've been dealing with my ED since I was in 8th grade, (I'm a Junior now). I just really didn't want to talk to him about it because I don't want him worrying about me, because this is my problem. I have to deal with it. In the end, he can't do anything for me. I'm the one who has to decide whether or not I want to recover or not. So then what's the point of getting him involved.
I don't know why but this really triggered me and I've been restricting/fasting heavily the last few days. I hate this so much. I just wish I could eat normal and not feel so guilty over eating even small amounts of food and then feeling like I have to go purge it up. I've decided from here on out, I'm not talking to anyone I know about this ever again. If he asks about it, then I'll say that I'm doing fine. I know he's just worried about me but I don't want him worrying about me when he has so many other things to deal with. I'm not going to burden anyone, especially him. I really don't know what I did to deserve such a good friend as him. He cares about me so much and I have no idea why. There's nothing about me that is special enough to care about. I'm plain Jane, and nothing interesting. He's so funny, smart, attractive, and going places one day. We hang out all the time and he could so easily be hanging out with people so much better than me. You will probably never meet a guy as good as him, for real.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this. I guess just getting it all out. So yeah