You are viewing caitybeck

Previous 10

Dec. 30th, 2009

Mary-Kate

I don't deserve him.

So I've started again. :/ I just want to get rid of this ED forever. I don't want it. I want to find a healthy way to deal with my emotions with out having to rely on people to do so (So pretty much not opening up to people about my feelings).

A couple weeks ago, my very best guy friend, John, got me to open up about my ED and how it only starts up when I get depressed. I couldn't believe I told him cause I'm so ashamed of this that I didn't want anyone to know about it ever. He had known for awhile that I was doing something unhealthy when I get upset, he just didn't know what, and he pried it out of me. He was so understanding about it though. He kept telling me that it's going to get easier now because any time I feel like this is going to take control of me, I can come to him. He also told me that this doesn't change what he thinks of me at all, which before I told him, I had said that I'm afraid of what he would think of me after I told him this. He also swore to me that he would keep this between us and no one else would have to know. I swear it was probably one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me in my life. I really don't deserve a friend like him. He's too good to me.

Well ironically a few days later I was triggered because one of my other best friends, Alex, had betrayed me, and we stopped being friends. And the thing that killed me the most about the betrayal was that he just didn't care that he had hurt me. When I confronted him about it, all he said was "okay." and walked away. I wanted to cry. So that night I ate but I felt so shitty and ended up purging. This kind of triggered for the next few days, along with stress of finals and just everything seemed to be going wrong that week.

I could have gone to John and talked to him about it, but I hate the idea of relying on someone else. I hate opening up to other people. Plus I refuse to be a burden on anyone, ever, and he has been so extremely busy lately that I don't want him to have to worry about me because I know he would. I'm a big girl and I can deal with myself. I'd rather be screaming and hurting on the inside than to ever be a burden on anyone else. Not only that, how am I supposed to talk to him about that. Just kind of go up to him and be like "Yeah I've started purging." And then what is he supposed to do?

I kind of was able to push away the ED after finals and I stopped worrying about my shitty ex best friend that betrayed me. I was doing good. I still kept getting urges but I've done self-recovery many times and I'm getting better at pushing away the urges every time. So a couple weeks pass. One night some of my friends end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off. I texted John about it and just kind of ranted about it a little bit. He told me how I need to start standing up for myself to my friends and going on. Eventually he texts me and says
"Tell me you're not hurting Caitlin. Tell me honest to God you're not hurting"
"I'm not hurting."
"That's a lie"
"I was a couple weeks ago but I'm not now."
"You're not now, but you were, and you will be soon. It's a cycle Caitlin."
"I don't know John"
"I do. I have the advantage of not being the one whose going through it, so I have an emotionless perspective."
"I really just don't fucking want to talk about this."
"That's fine for now Caitlin,but you won't be able to hide from reality forever."

I know he's just trying to help, but it kind of pissed me off a bit. He really doesn't have the advantage over it at all. I know more than anyone what triggers me and when it's going to happen. Of course I know it's a cycle, I've been dealing with my ED since I was in 8th grade, (I'm a Junior now). I just really didn't want to talk to him about it because I don't want him worrying about me, because this is my problem. I have to deal with it. In the end, he can't do anything for me. I'm the one who has to decide whether or not I want to recover or not. So then what's the point of getting him involved.

I don't know why but this really triggered me and I've been restricting/fasting heavily the last few days. I hate this so much. I just wish I could eat normal and not feel so guilty over eating even small amounts of food and then feeling like I have to go purge it up. I've decided from here on out, I'm not talking to anyone I know about this ever again. If he asks about it, then I'll say that I'm doing fine. I know he's just worried about me but I don't want him worrying about me when he has so many other things to deal with. I'm not going to burden anyone, especially him. I really don't know what I did to deserve such a good friend as him. He cares about me so much and I have no idea why. There's nothing about me that is special enough to care about. I'm plain Jane, and nothing interesting. He's so funny, smart, attractive, and going places one day. We hang out all the time and he could so easily be hanging out with people so much better than me. You will probably never meet a guy as good as him, for real.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this. I guess just getting it all out. So yeah

Sep. 13th, 2009

Mary-Kate

(no subject)

I want to get to the point in my life where I am 100% secure with myself. Secure with how I look, how I act, about my future, about my past. Secure with being by myself but secure with being with someone else. Secure with my intellegence, reasoning and judgement. Secure with my driving, especially the stick shift. Secure with my life. I'm tired of being torn down and pushed around. I want to be free and feel good about myself. I feel like it will never happen though. At least not until I get away from this area and call it my past.

Aug. 2nd, 2009

Mary-Kate

Posted this on 24_7 and I just want to save it.

I know it is always said, that you can never be perfect. That perfection is something placed on a high pedestal and can never be reached because it doesn't really exist. I believe though, in all honesty, that there is such a thing as perfection and that it can be reached. I don't think there is one set standard for perfect though. I think perfect is what the individual mind defines it as. Such as one person thinks long, straight, blonde hair is the perfect hair style, while another thinks shorter, curly, brunette hair is the key to perfect hair. I think it is attainable, just a perfect of our own standards. I don't know if I'm making sense. I guess I'm just rambling on. I just feel that in order for me to be happy, I have to be perfect. I have to have the perfect life. Which includes the perfect body, the perfect personality, the perfect friends, the perfect family, the perfect house, the perfect location, the perfect career, the perfect wardrobe. And unless I have this perfect life, I truly feel I will never be happy. I feel that I sound shallow and irrational, which kills me because one of my pet peeve personality traits is irrationality. I can't help it though, it's just the way my mind works. And as of now, at my age, I feel that the only things I can work on to achieve this perfection is my body, my personality, and my bedroom which I associate with having a perfect house kind of. I think maybe this is the root and core of my ED, my belief that there is such a thing as perfection and my strong desire for it. I don't know if anyone is really following me on this. I guess I'm just thinking a lot tonight, and had to get it out.
 

Jul. 15th, 2009

Mary-Kate

Seventeen

Seventeen is a bunch of hypocrites. Every month I'm so excited for my seventeen issue to come, especially for the health part. It's my favorite part of the whole magazine. I always rip them out and I have them saved in a box that is labeled as "The Work Out Box" in my closet. But it always bugs me when I read the article by Jess in the health section. I understand that she is trying to get girls to have high self-esteem, and I'm totally for it, but then seventeen always puts the list of exercises to get your best butt or flattest stomach. Which I just find totally contradicting. Such as a few issues ago, the health section was tiny pull out book, which had exercises for your entire body, along with an article about a girl who lost 100 lbs. I think it's totally great that she lost that much weight, but as I read her article I saw that she was completely committed and strict about her diet. Such as she even mentioned how she would even had a cookie while at a sleepover at her friends house. Which is just totally unrealistic. I mean it's okay to have a cookie here and there in moderation, but she just went crazy with it, almost as if she had an eating disorder. Which really wouldn't have surprised me. But it's just that Seventeen supports stuff like this, but then have the article from Jess saying how you shouldn't worry about your size, and how it'/s just a number. I just find it completely hypocritical. I mean I'm not going to stop getting my Seventeens because I love the exercise sections, I just never take Jess's opinions to heart. I don't know maybe I'm hypocritical for continuing to get the magazines. I don't know, I'm just throwing out my two cents I guess.

Jul. 8th, 2009

Mary-Kate

I hate hypocrites

My dad and everyone else at my house is always constantly bitchin at me. And not just that, they bitch at me for things that do themselves. But they're too fucking blind to realize that they have the same faults. Fuck I hate here so much. I just want to get out. I promise myself that I won't be like them. I won't bitch at everyone for stupid shit, I won't be irrational, I won't be a hypocrite, and I won't be stuck here like them. I cant wait for two years and then I'm out of here.

Jun. 6th, 2009

Mary-Kate

I don't care anymore.

I don't care about anything anymore. I'm pretty much half way numb right now. If I end up crying a few more times, there will probably be nothing left for me to feel.

I've come to the theory that if you are not skinny and beautiful, you don't matter. My best friend Riley is skinny and beautiful, but she actually has personality. A great one too. Well this guy, john, liked her. Well she didn't really like him, and ive been hanging out with him lately. I think we get along great. He even offered to take me with him on a few trips this summer. I was actually thinking that he was starting to like me. So Riley could kind of see that I may have been getting feelings for him, so she told him that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend right now. Which I didn't tell her to do, I was actually trying to set them up. Anyway Riley left for a trip Friday, or yesterday, and we usually go to this water park that we have season passes to. Well my friend john has one and so does my kind of friend Katelyn. So the three of us went yesterday. Well I guess john kind of gave up on Riley, I mean he even told me later that day. Well I noticed him flirting with Katelyn all day. Even later that day he texted me asking me about her. I swear that girl has absolutely NO personality! But katelyns skinny, pretty and tan. She is the bitchiest person I know. She whines and pouts if she doesn't get HER way! Oh god forbid you make her do anything on her own, such as walk to the bathroom. And she has the worst sense of humor. Oh not to mentionhow completely conceited she is but she's like a sneaky conceited. She just says little comments every so often that you can tell she thinks very highly of herself. But at the same time she looks for attention by claiming "that she is SOO fat!"

Whatever. Like I said, I just dont care anymore. John and Katelyn can do whatever the fuck they want.

And now, I pretty much no longer have a mother. Instead I have a petty little child for a mom. Who goes freaking psycho at me because I didn't put the right dog food out for the dogs because they don't like the kind I put out. But when it unravels that my 7th grade sister is driving around with a sophomore, someone in my own grade, she couldn't care less. It's not like stuff like this doesn't happen all the time either. It's a daily thing, but I think last night was the final straw. Maybe because of what happened with john and Katelyn, maybe because I'm on my period, maybe I just can't take it anymore, I don't know. But after the fight with my mom I went upstairs to my room and started bawling. This is rare for me, because Im a naturally strong person and I don't ever cry.well I chilled down and drove up to the gas station with my brother because my dad was wanting pop corn. Well I got myself a diet green tea and a cookies and cream Hershey bar. That's all really not important. Anyway on the way up there I kind of started crying. I wasn't trying to and I was so embarrassed. My brother andy really is a good guy. He just gave me a hug and told me not to worry about crying in front of him. I mean I was definitely embarrassed and was not about to bawl my eyes out in front of him. So yeah, I told him that I don't feel like I have a mother anymore and he agreed that I don't, atleast not a good one. I told him that I wished Riley was home because I really needed her last night. It was so crazy, when I got home, I found that I had a missed call from her. It's like she knows sub-consiously when I need her. So I went outside and I called her back and tried to act like everything was okay since I didn't want to bother her while she was on her trip but I couldn't help myself and I just started bawling my eyes out and telling her everything and how I wished she was home. She listened to me and was there for me but ended up losing service. She was able to text me saying she would call me back when she reached her condo and I told her that I was okay and that I was just going to go to bed. But I stayed outside and watched the moon for another hour and a half. It was a full moon and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find the man in the moon. I wish I could. Before I die, I promise you that I'll see it. Well in that hour and a half, two things happened. John texted me asking me if I had a good time today, I just lied and said it was a blast. And then that's when he started asking me about Katelyn. So I just told him that I was going to bed too. But again, I stayed outside. My dad came outside and asked me if I would talk to my mom and I just told him that I don't want to. He asked me If I'd do it for him and I agreed. So my mom sat in the car with me and gave me excuses about how she yelled at me and why she didn't yell at my little sister. I just plainly, emotionlessly said I don't care anymore and I'm just done. She started breaking down crying and telling me more excuses and I just stayed quiet. I just didn't care for her excuses or that she was crying. I know it's bad to say but I just didn't care about her. I just repeated myself and she just got mad and started saying that I was selfish and I just didn't care. I sat outside for a little more before going inside and going to bed.

So here I am. I feel alone, ugly, disgusting, fat, worthless, and trapped. I just wish I could pick up everything and leave this town and everyone forever.

Read more...Collapse )

May. 3rd, 2009

Mary-Kate

Aderall

Earlier, my brother let me try some addedall because he has add and I'm always complaining that I have it to. Not to mention it's supposed to help you lose weight. Well my appetite was completely gone. I pretty much had to force myself to eat because I was getting shaky. It felt so good to have that shaky feeling back again though. That sounds really creepy but it's almost like a high.not to mention how great it helped me focus. I was hanging out with my friend Katelyn and Kelsey and the whole time I had something to say. I'm not like super shy but the only person I keep a conversation rolling like that is with Riley and even sometimes there, there's a quiet moment. I think they may have even gotten annoyed with me because I was talking so much. I like the stuff a lot. I think my dad is convinced that I have slight add now. My mom was yelling at me for taking it and she said it was bad I was taking drugs like that. And at that second my dad called her out on it and said how she takes anti depressants. And she was like I need those though, she just wants them for conversation. And he was like no, she was just saying how she could concentrate more resulting in being a better conversationalist. So yeah, she can suck that. My brother takes 30mg, which is a lot for someone my size and especially for just starting it. I can't really sleep and I feel jittery right now but at the same time I feel tired. Weird. But yeah that's it. Nightt

Apr. 30th, 2009

Mary-Kate

Updating.

I keep getting thoughts of going back to how I was. It's crazy to think it was only a month ago. It feels like so much longer. I'm back to my starting weight and I look like a cow. At the moment I hear my family fighting down stairs and I can't help but think about how much I resent them all. I just want to be in college and get out of here and far away from here. I just feel so monotone and emotionless right now, but at the same time my mind is bottling with built up emotions from the past month. Secret emotions that I haven't been able to show anyone. I can't wait to get out of here, and not have to ever worry about feeling these emotions again. I mostly just resent my mom and my sister. I hate them, and I can't express it. Only a few months until I can drive and I can just drive away from them instead of having to go to another room to get away from them.


I'm thinking about taking ballet. It's very late for me to start, but I think it's something I would enjoy. Not to mention a great work out. I need to work out. I just have absolutely no self discipline.

Ughh. People in this house just need to suck it up.

Apr. 6th, 2009

Mary-Kate

Something I wrote

When they push you down, get back up. When everyone else changes for the worse, change for the better. While they're all holding on to the past and preparing for the future, live for today. When they tell you, "you can't", prove to yourself that you can. When they tell you what to do, do what you want. When they try to hold you back, push them away. While everyone else wishes, actually do something. While they hide their emotions, express yourself. While they are playing it safe, experience the thrills of life. While everyone else is being strict, let loose and laugh. While everyone else blends in, be unique. When everyone else is testing the waters, cannonball in.
Be yourself, live for yourself.
Because we only get one chance to make it worth wild.


I just wanted to save that somewhere. But anyway, making a small update. I'm back to recovering. I can't get to a point to where I can loose weight and eat a normal amount of calories. I'm stuck at 140. I'll be skinny one day though. Planning my future and how I want to be able to live my life when I'm older, helps. I don't know, it just helps me stay focused on recovery. Sort of like, there's more to life than this. I've narrowed it down to two paths.

Plan one, I live in New York. The fast lane. I'm a powerful business executive of some sort. I'm dating, maybe married, maybe not. Doesn't really matter, because my career matters more. No kids, deffinitely not. In my busy schedule, I would never have time. But I'm happy, because I'm accomplishing more than I could ever imagine.

Plan two, I'm living in beautiful hawaii. I'm a cake designer, making cakes so beautiful and big, you would never guess that it's actually a cake. I would have a nice house with my loving husband with 2-3 kids. Of course I would be active in my childrens lives, making sure they did well in school and participated in sports. I would live laid back, but I would have relationships around me.

I'm afraid plan one is too big for me to ever accomplish, and plan two, I would eventually feel as stuck with my life as I do now. Plan one, I wouldn't necciarily be completely happy with what I'm doing and the hours and I have to put into it, but just knowing what I have achieved, and what I have, makes me happy. I know that sounds shallow. Maybe because it is, but that's what I want and I can't help it. The heart wants what the heart wants. Then with plan two, I would feel so tied down with children and a husband, and especially with how little I would make from the cake decorating buisness. But I like cake decorating. I would be happy with what I do, but disapointed with how little I would accomplish. I just wish I could have like a t.v. and watch my future self in both scenarios, and then I could choose which one I was happier in. Because now, I'll choose one, and I'll end up unhappy. Then I will always hate myself and regret making the decisions that I did.

Why is life so difficult?

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well with recovery. My throat though burns all the time. I'm postive that it's from purging, but I have purged in foreveerrrr and it just started hurting really bad out of no where. I'm afraid it's infected. I don't know what I would do. I guess I'll just drink lots of warm drinks, take tons of tums, and hope for the best. Because no way, would I EVER tell anyone about this, especially my parents.

Okay, well I'm done. I'm update again soon.

Apr. 1st, 2009

Mary-Kate

I hate life, mostly just my life.

I hate my life so much. I hate how trapped and alone I feel. My best friend constantly makes me feel like shit. She is constantly telling me my flaws and why it sucks to be me. Today we got in ahuge fight over it. I told her that she says a lot of bitchy things to me all the time and that she acts conceited when she tells me that I have no friends, after she told ME that I was being a shitty friend. I know she's right, about not having friends. That's why I hate being here so much. High school was supposed to be fun. So far I hate it. I wish I could start life over fresh somewhere different. I feel so trapped here, I can't get out. I have to stay here for 2 more years of high school, then I will probably have stay here for another 2 years after that and go to junior college. My parents haven't let either of my brothers go away for college for the first 2 years of college, so they're definitely not letting their first girl. I have to though, if I don't I may go insane or kill myself. I hate life here. I'm going to try my best to get a scholarship out of here for the first two years. If I do, there's no way they could say no.

I feel so alone all the time. I have no friends, and I can't talk to my family really. I just hate this place. Once I get out, I can start over fresh with new people. Just two more years. Then maybe another two years after that. Hopefully not.

Anyway I have to get off the computer now. I'll post later.

Previous 10